Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cockslap morals
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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