I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
my liver is dry heaving
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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