so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
