im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
