I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
