How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
