tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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