I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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