I just threw up on my dentist
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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