when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
