I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
