i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I deserve this hangover.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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