Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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