i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
