My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
