nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
