i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is my gift to your gina
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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