I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
