I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
