Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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