Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
