Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
