I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
