I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
