I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
