the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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