You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
