The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
