She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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