oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
