She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
