Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize