In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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