Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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