i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
