Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
