i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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