That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I deserve this hangover.
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