im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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