I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
