I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
