I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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