Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
