What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
