just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
