i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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