Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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