She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
