My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
