i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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