I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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