she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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