break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
