I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
